I Love Myself

Do you love yourself? I know it’s an odd question to ask but seriously think about it. Do you love yourself? Insecurities and all, do you love yourself?

“I love myself” was one of my positive affirmations this week and when I saw it come across my screen I was flooded with emotion. Saying “I love myself” and meaning it are two different things.

If you asked me 13 yrs ago, I wouldn’t have taken that question seriously. I would’ve said yup while masking all my insecurities and pain. BUT here I am now 31 going on 32, a wife, a mom to three boys, living in a body that’s 60 lbs heavier with stretch marks, and I can honestly now I love myself.

Okay here’s a little back story...at the age of 12 I joined a modeling agency and took modeling classes. By 13 I booked my first gig, by age 19 I did a variety of shoots and fashion shows and really got a glimpse of a world that was detrimental to my self esteem but also fueled my passion for fashion.

I can write a mini novel of my short live modeling career, but I’ll save you the time and will share a little here and there. Modeling takes a certain level of confidence and ambition. The modeling industry is cut throat. Your body is picked apart, and you are competing with others to book that one gig in hopes that it will get you to the next level.

I remember when I booked my first runway show. I was 13yrs old and soooo excited. I had to go for my fitting for 2 designer brands for an outdoor show at an outlet mall. I remember going to the fitting with my mom, and just being in awe of the whole experience. When we got to the first store for the fitting I was directed to try my first look, mind you I was 13yrs old at the time. My first look was a see through top paired with pants. Of course I could wear a bra but it was see through! I was so uncomfortable and my mom was like nope absolutely not. They weren’t willing switch my look so I went on to the other fitting and it went without a hitch. I was in trouble. After the show I had a meeting with my agent and she was not happy. She sternly told me that it was bad form to request another outfit and went on to tell me “you are the hanger, you put on the clothes and do not say a word- you just model them (the clothes)”.  At age thirteen, I was told I was a hanger- not a human- but a hanger and that I needed to just shut my mouth and strut my stuff essentially.

That certainly made an impression on me, and I learned quickly that I had to keep my mouth shut and just do the job that was given to me. Now I’m not saying all my experience in modeling was this terrible. It takes a certain level of confidence to model, and I had the most fun with it in college modeling for my fellow design peers! I did end up leaving that agency when I was 17 and was in control of booking my own jobs. While honestly I ended up meeting more sleazy photographers than I would’ve liked too, I did gain confidence and empowerment in being able to be in control of the jobs I took.